The assiduous reader of this blog will recall my account of an attempt to win a prize fellowship at All Souls, the organ through which Oxford University osculates the establishment's fundament. A couple of days ago I found in my spam folder, as will have most of you, an advertisement for Senior Research Fellowships at this same club. Well, it calls itself a college, but it's really a club for the smoothest, smuggest and most complacent bunch of barristers you'll ever find, with a few scholars and intellectuals allowed to tag along. I had to change my underwear, I got so excited: £88K a year, until the age of 67, for "pursuing a programme of research". That's it, no other obligation whatsoever. We all know that means "doing what you like"; even if, like me, you have a serious side, it is the sweetest deal imaginable, so I'm applying, definitely, and I suggest you do the same. Here's the url:
http://www.all-souls.ox.ac.uk/elections/research.php
19 comments:
I have applied. See you soon.
Sx
I've applied too, it is an exclusive club isn't it?
OK - I've updated my CV and searched out my City & Guilds plastering qualifications as well as my certificate in 'Use of English for Science Students'.
I'm feeling pretty confident.
Things are definitely looking up.
Well done that man!
That's the spirit boys and girls, soon we'll be in a position to engineer a reverse takeover of All Souls by Precision Handling's crack corps of mountebanks, dilettantes and sex addicts. I suspect, however, that you, Dr Maroon, through no fault of your own, are at a slight disadvantage; All Souls had a Glaswegian fellow (an outstanding mathematician, elected in a moment of inattention) a few years ago and they've never recovered. He couldn't be bothered to conceal his contempt and they couldn't conceal their fear and hatred. Perhaps you could modify your CV accordingly?
Absolument! And thanks for the heads up. What d'ya reckon? Um, Morningside? I could pass; honestly I could. O.K., whatabout, Inn-verr-ness? No? No fuck off you're right. That would never work. O.K., O.K., let the dog see the rabbit. Um, the islands? fucking hell no, some windswept muir perhaps? No fucking way...
I have it!
Inkspot you are a genius!
Uhuh, you are.
Berwick!
Uhuh!
It's English but they talk Scotch and it isn't northern in the way Cumbria and Hull is. Parfait.
God it all fits so fine. No-one's ever heard of anyone from Berwick. It's a first. They will lap it up.
Yes.
Em, who's this Lulu LaBonne piece?
Hey guess what. Your word verification is "ablative".
It's a sign is what it is.
Hmm, Berwick's a bit contentious I'd've thought, all that border reiving and what-not. How about Hawick? My cousin's nanny came from Hawick, the most boring person I've ever met, went in for a tonsillectomy and they removed her personality by mistake. No, you can't go wrong with Hawick.
Or was it Galashiels?
Haven't you met Lulu? Lulu, Dr Maroon, Dr Maroon, Lulu Labonne. I'm one of her biggest fans, pure class, you can tell by how expensive her bras are.
Dr Maroon is only interested in women who wear Fichissima. So that rules everyone else out. Sorry, Lulu.
Maroon, the word vert. was redaye, which bodes well for your parliamentary aspirations.
Thank you Clarissa. At last the voice of moderation. Hawick is out, Inky. I've been there. *brrrr*
Clarissa, without your steady hand on my upswelling in Springburn, I am certain to lose my deposit. The people demand action, and we must step up to the plate and give it to them.
"...short-listed candidates to dine in College... meet the Warden... a taxable benefit... Senior Research Fellows may take on other commitments". I've filled in the application form too, using violet ink and liberal amounts of Classical Latin just to be on the safe side.
Mrs P, I learn something from everything you write. BTW, I don't suppose you happen to be close to the warden of All Souls, do you?
Doc, recall that All Souls is a repository of the highest and vilest toryism.
Gadj, you cunning linguist, that violet ink is outstanding. Well played Red Team.
I have yet to complete my form. I forgot how long it takes to macerate oak galls. I have my Fentiman's 01 Italic at the ready and a pepper pot full of fine dry silver sand.
Do we have to wear cumerbunds?
I have some photographs of me and the Warden of All Souls taken in Livorno on April Fools' Day last year. Blackmail is an unpleasant word; I prefer leverage.
Kevin, and seal it with a wafer moistened by a choirboy's breath. (As if you needed reminding... .)
Cummerbunds. Mmm, tricky. The answer is, yes if in a plain colour, but Dr Maroon should leave his Stewart hunting tartan one at home. The Glaswegian colleague mentioned above once showed me the correspondence generated by the silver Versace thingummyjig that he wore in place of a black tie; the All Souls attitude was one of lofty but unyielding condescension. Think Jeeves: there is no time, sir, when ties do not matter.
Mrs P, you shall be held in reserve, I think: when their line wavers, as it will, then we send you in to smash them.
I fear you have insulted Maroon, btw. You make him sound like Mick McGahey, whereas he is more like A J Cronin - speaks like him, looks like him, and claims to be the inspiration for Dr Finlay, or someone very like Dr Finlay. I have seen Dr Maroon's cummerbunds at very close quarters. They are outmoded and stained with soup. Cockaleekie, I think he told me.
Oh dear. Was it the sex addict bit? Truth to tell, I'm unclear on the distinction between sex addict and sentient human being.
My Dear Inky , the difference is good manners
Beast, I am totally blown away, that is deep and funny and wise. Should we go on the halls as a variety act? I'm thinking "Inkbite: the comedy coders". But Beastspot is just as good, I do admit.
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