Saturday, 27 February 2010

King's Lynn

Urgent text: "Dad can i get my cartilidge pierced, ada's mum is taking her."

No you can't. Not until you can spell cartilage anyway. That held her up for 5 seconds, thanks internet, love-15, god you're rubbish at this Inkspot, ffs raise your game. I phone Ada's mum, who is certainly not taking Ada anywhere near a piercing parlour, Ada's been grounded for various teenage-type infractions. 15-all, that's better, I might even break her serve. My real objection is that the idea nauseates me, who cares about that.

"Right i'll get pregnant and do drugs so you'll have a spastic baby to raise. And then i'll get its tongue and belly-button pierced."

Christ it's a bit early for the nuclear option isn't it? 15-30 anyway. So I find internet sources saying how painful it is. There are even more sources saying it's a doddle, 15-40. So no you can't because I say you can't and it's illegal without parental permission until you're 16.

"Right i'll go to kings lynn and get it done illegally, you can get anything illegal in kings lynn."

Game over. But what is this with King's Lynn? It's a completely harmless small port on the east coast of England, miles from anywhere, too dull even for Eliot to write a poem about. How did it get this louche reputation?

Saturday, 6 February 2010

Special needs

Last week I had an appointment with Arry ("with a haitch") at the gym. He's a strength and conditioning coach; these words have not been part of my life so far. What I was doing on the not-a-bike is irrelevant to Arry who has given me horrible things to do which are as horrible now as they were at the start. I think I hate Arry and want to kill him, only he's a nice guy and Hayley (with the profile and engagement ring) might not like it and I don't want to upset her. So I'll just swipe feebly at his ankles as I try to get up off the floor. The worst thing is the realization that if Arry and Hayley are professors of gym then I am in year 3 (= 2nd grade) and sat at the special needs table. On the other hand I've put on weight so at least I can say to Arry, look how useless your fucking gym is, I'm even fatter than when I started.